The message of Jesus’ parable may remind us of the petition from the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Yet, it’s different in that its teaching is more like: “We forgive those who trespass against us as you forgive our trespasses.” That we forgive those who have wronged us presupposes God’s forgiveness of our wrongdoing. If we don’t forgive as God has forgiven us, its consequence in the parable would be something like this: “Give us our trespasses as we give those who trespass against us.”
The topic of forgiveness is such a challenging one. Not because we have no information about the virtue of forgiveness but because we are often not yet ready to forgive those who hurt us emotionally. The situation becomes much more complicated when those who have harmed me don’t even ask for forgiveness and I, for example, may feel the most urgent need to forgive in order to set myself from that painful event and to move on with my life. This need echoes what Nelson Mandela once said, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.” Pain that originates from a hurtful relationship is deep whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. It can be expressed in three forms of emotions: rage, resentment, and retaliation. Rage is a type of emotion fueled by anger based on a narrative one creates in reaction to one’s hurtful experience with the other. We can, without justification, be angry if someone harms us. Rage is born when we add reasons and stories as to why that person has done it. It’s like “He looks down on me. He has no respect for me. Such a horrible person.” We write a story about him and become enraged. Resentment is an ongoing grudge against the wrongdoer and one’s fixation on being a victim. Its favorite line is “How could you? How dare you?” Both rage and resentment bear fruit of retaliation, to attack back with a higher interest rate. It goes beyond the law of tit for tat. These three emotional siblings can help us see whether we actually forgive those who hurt us. Think of someone who needs your forgiveness and watch if any of the three arises. You might physically feel your gut wrenched and your belly muscle contracted. Forgiveness thus requires a significant amount of time just to process what has happened. Forgiveness doesn’t happen instantly and easily as if it magically absolves once and for all but is a painful series of skillful actions and reflections. Even after forgiveness eventually begins to take place, it can still leave a healed scar which may ache at times. Yet, forgiveness is a necessary condition for one’s freedom. It’s never an optional one. Then this matter of forgiving others is not so much about them but about my dealings with the wounded part of myself. This hurt side of me needs healing. The king in the parable has financial damage that is approximately worth $3.5 billion in our time. As he forgives his servant out of compassion, his rage, resentment, and retaliation which may be worth $3.5 billion is no longer with him. Yet, the king’s rage returns with resentment towards the servant who shows no mercy to the one who owes about $5 and retaliates against him. This parable is quite peculiar for at least one reason. How is it even possible that the servant could embezzle $3.5 billion from the king? While we should keep in mind the parable is only an analogy and a fiction, it’s a bit too far from reality. Can we think of anyone who we can profiteer a million if not a billion? Granted this excessive amount is metaphorical, then is there anyone whom we can take advantage of emotionally? Who could that be? Realistically speaking, no one but us. We owe ourselves $3.5 billion or perhaps more. We are forgiven more than 3.5 million times in our lives by those around us for small or big shortcomings and mistakes that may have caused hurt. Yet, our ignorance of it might keep us brutally judgmental of ourselves and attack ourselves when we owe ourselves $5 or over 5 forgivable errors we make. Let’s reinterpret the parable that the one who owed the servant a hundred denarii is no one but himself. While the king forgives him of his debts of 10,000 talents and spares him from being sold to his family and taking over all his possessions, he throws himself into prison. Not only is he harsh to himself but is delusionally unwise and foolish. This practice of self-forgiveness, which is not to be confused with self-indulgence, is a spiritual one. It needs to be done in a contemplative way as one meditates. During this time of silence in the forgiving and loving presence of God, we can examine our unskillful actions and thoughts. We can face some of the unhealed wounds and delve deeper into them only to realize and accept our hurt and disappointment despite our skillful and kind actions toward others. Whenever we encounter this hurt or our urge to never forgive but to cling to rage, resentment, and retaliation, we let go of it seven times, seventy-seven times, seven hundred seven times, and as we need, reforming ourselves to act wisely, skillfully, and compassionately. The root cause of hurting one another may be nothing but a manifestation of the unhealed scar in ourselves, retaliating, resenting, and enraging. We must start practicing the act of forgiveness within ourselves, with ourselves. |
Paul"...life up your love to that cloud [of unknowing]...let God draw your love up to that cloud...through the help of his grace, to forget every other thing." Archives
January 2025
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